HOW TO INSULT YOUR GIRLFRIEND

THESE ARE ENTRIES TO A WASHINGTON POST COMPETITION ASKING FOR A TWO-LINE RHYME WITH THE MOST ROMANTIC FIRST LINE, BUT THE LEAST ROMANTIC SECOND LINE:

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming:
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot:
This describes everything you are not.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you:
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace:
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes :
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away:
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell:
Except for maybe "Go to hell."